strike that

follow up

The post on thirty-something guys (hereafter TSGs) from last week keeps coming up with my friends in phonecalls and instant messaging and late night conversation. The reaction can best be summarized as (from the women) yes! and (from the men) yes, but….

So can I clarify something here? I was really trying to advocate something very specific, and no more: that when a TSG meets a girl who he is actually into, who he feels attracted to and interested in, that he not immediately launch an exhaustive search for a thousand reasons real and imagined why it can’t work.

I am not suggesting that TSGs should come on to every girl they meet, or hook up with girls who are clearly more or less invested than they are, or try harder to like girls they don’t actually like, or continue dating someone whom they have come to realize is not compatible, or ignore big-red-flag warning signs, or otherwise abuse the emotions of themselves and others. Over the past week many of you have told me emphatically about the hazards of these and all manner of other behaviors, and I COMPLETELY AGREE.

But I stand by my observation that TSGs have become hyperfearful of going out on a limb, and going out on a limb is part of what makes falling for someone so joyful. And many of the TSGs around me seem so set on self-preservation that they miss out on opportunities for great joy. I don’t think learning from your past experiences is stupid. I think letting your past experiences scare you away from new ones is sad.

And maybe this doesn’t actually happen as often as I think. Maybe, as my housemate so kindly suggested in a bout of drunken insightfulness, all the guys I’ve been into in the past two years just didn’t like me. Super. Fine. All the more reason for me to hope that if some guy who actually likes me comes along, he act on that instead of convincing himself that I’m too interested, or that breakups hurt too much to justify dating, or whatever. Who doesn’t like to think that they are worth a little risk?

posted by tortaluga @ 4:22 PM