consequence
I went to California for a week to attend a conference, and to soak up a little sun to savor during northwest winter, and to see my one friend from college, and to see my other friend from college and her husband and her baby. I stayed in a fancy hotel with crisp white and blue sheets, and soap that smelled like sage, and a tv with that channel that shows home improvement shows at all hours. It was a very good trip.And I landed at PDX and rode the light rail to my truck, and drove my truck to my house, and unpacked while watching a Katherine Hepburn movie from 1938. In general I prefer Audrey.
I’ve been hesitant to write. One of the comments on my last post really got under my skin, though I’m sure it wasn’t intended to. It said (and I will annotate with additional information for those of you who never went through an Indigo Girls phase) that this blog reminds the commenter of the song The Girl with the Weight of the World in Her Hands. You don’t need to know the lyrics with a title like that. Let’s just say it rhymes “harder” with “martyr.”
I feel so oddly defensive about that comment. I mean, I guess I kind of overthink things. (Allow me to illustrate, with this post.) And I see how this blog maybe comes across as me agonizing about small things, and getting hung up on stuff that isn’t that important. The point of my writing here is mostly to share my life with my good friends - many of whom live much farther away than I would like – and to share not just what’s happening but my thoughts about what’s happening, so that they can laugh and/or commiserate and/or provide advice, as appropriate. It works as well as anything I can think of for that purpose.
But for the record (and I don’t know why the record matters to me but I guess it does) I’m not trying to earn some kind of points here for my drama, and I certainly don’t think my life is any more difficult or dark than anyone else’s. In fact, as I’m sure I’ve said here before, I don’t really understand all the luck I have, all the ways that my life feels blessed. I don’t write about it every time, because I think that would be really fucking annoying.
And I’m not under the impression that the daily workings of my relationship or the way I’m choosing to heat my house are of any consequence in the scheme of things. I just think they’re the same ordinary things that a handful of other people are also figuring out at the same time, and that these ordinary things shape the way we experience the world every day. I like to put them down. I like to draw them out. I like that our whole lives are a series of these tiny decisions and experiences that can mean exactly as much or as little as we choose. It is so frustrating and so marvelous and so improbable.
By writing about all my stupid things I don’t mean to complain about them, and I’m certainly not trying to “solve” them. I’m not trying to make them bigger than they are. But really, they are huge. Have you ever tried to figure out if you wanted a baby? Have you ever tried to pick a woodstove? Have you ever had soap that smelled like sage? It can be so good it’s hard to breathe.
posted by tortaluga @ 4:33 PM
6 Comments:
I don't think you need to apologize for or defend writing about your decisions, fears, worries, cares, loves-- all the little dramas and the little blessings-- in your blog. That's kind of what blogs are for. Who wants to read a blog that says nothing but, "I went to the store today. Got some milk. Tomorrow I'll pay my bills. Life is OK"?
I want to read your blog. Everyone who feels otherwise can go suck it.
That said, I understand your public over-thinking of all that. Like I said, that's what blogs are for.
Like I said last time, your blog is my favorite site on the internet. It's awesome. I mean it.
in NO way are the things currently important in your life pointless, small, or meaningless. at the same time figuring out how to heat your new home isn't the most important thing in the world. but we aren't all blessed with the eloquence and style of writing you possess...and your tales of life keep me, as your friend so far away, a little closer to you. and figuring out if you want to have a baby is fucking HUGE!! HUGE!! we need to discuss this.
What Dave and Talley said.
I love reading your blog and I check it obsessively. It's doubly great for me because I get to be privy to the day-to-day life and issues of one of my dearest friends and I get the perspective of someone who has made very different life choices than I have. I especially like hearing about how the house is coming along and I very much want to know how you decide to heat it. (BTW, a wood stove can be perilous if you do decide to have a baby.)
About the baby thing - don't listen to me. I am not a good representation of what pregnancy is like. Just because I loathe being pregnant and am miserable doesn't mean that you will be. And don't forget that I'm doing it again because it's ultimately utterly worth it. And I cried yesterday because I probably won't have any more babies after these ones. For the record, I think you would make a fantastic mother.
I think the best thing to help you decide would be to spend some time with a 3-year-old and newborn twins. Who will possibly be born on your birthday.
hi everyone. thanks.
i was being oversensitive. it's just i really, really hate that song.
also fyi: i'm not thinking about having a baby, like, today. more, is this something that's going to be important to me at some point, even though it doesn't feel pressing right now? and if so, is it something that should come up, say, hypothetically, in conversations with a boyfriend who's maybe not headed that direction?
but i'm getting a woodstove, baby or no.
You and me and the baby makes three.
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