lost in translation
I once dated a guy who said I smelled like Christmas. When I attributed this to the rosemary in my shampoo he bristled. My twice-worn socks were irrelevant. People have smells, he insisted, and mine was Christmas, and furthermore being with me was like Christmas. It was like Christmas for three feet around me.
This same guy had a body that he described as a Troll Body, and it was, I guess, and it was great: it was a strong and safe body, and joyful, and I told him so.
And I do not smell like Christmas and he was not entirely unlike a troll, but these were not lies, or even pleasantries. These are just the ways that people see the wonders of each other, which is what makes relationships possible and also what makes them worthwhile.
Yesterday a friend of mine told me that I am a mean person. Upon further discussion about semantics we agreed that I am not mean but rather indelicate, which is a difference of intention: my presentation hurts his feelings, though it’s not what I set out to do. And on one hand the difference between mean and indelicate is everything, because I expend no small amount of effort on not being hurtful in this life. But on the other hand I’ve never given much credit to intention. Intention’s not what matters in the end.
I think it would be fair to say that most of my friends do not just quietly tolerate sarcasm. Many of them seek it out, as I do. I just finished a book about life in the
So the question is, what do I do around this friend who can’t stand it? I have friends with whom I do not discuss politics or religion, but this is a different animal. This is not a specific subject, but rather the manner in which I discuss all subjects. The last time I made a concerted effort to smooth out my edge in a personal relationship was with Operaman, who seemed to need a little more Niceness in his life. But Splenda isn’t real sugar, and neither one, frankly, is a particularly compelling flavor.
In all honesty I’m not a Nice Person. I try to be a kind person, but Nice does not much interest me. Most people I’m drawn to are quirky and awkward and full of shit, as I am, and I find that delightful and puzzling and worthy of comment. I find that being pretty and polite does more harm at the end of the day, when we climb into our own heads and feel alone in the mess. I’d rather lay my mess out next to everyone else’s, and we can look at it and shake our heads and laugh our little troll laughs, and call it Christmas.
posted by tortaluga @ 12:46 AM
5 Comments:
what to do about Friend? I suppose until he discovers the wonders of sarcasm, he may continue to be hurt by it. if sarcasm is in fact WHO YOU ARE, then it wouldn't really be appropriate to be a not so sarcastic Jenn for one person.
and personally? I love the sarcastic Jenn.
I wholly disagree that sarcasm is the conversational equivalent of being blunt. It's really the opposite--a crutch instead of saying what you're really thinking. It isn't direct enough. It's the "You're going to wear that? Oooo-kay then." as opposed to "Whoa, don't wear that. It's ugly." It covers the idea with some pointlessly acidic comment. Everyone under the age of 50 uses sarcasm every day, but in excess it's just abrasive and really doesn't serve anything.
It's also completely false that without sarcasm you automatically become some syrupy, saccharine, sweet-tea-servin' moron talking about the weather. C'mon, that's just building an argument you can't lose. If he can't accept you for who you are, and you're not willing to pull back a bit for your friend, aren't you guilty of the same? Tell him to meet you halfway. And then tell him his momma is so fat that when she wears her Malcolm X tshirt helicopters try to land on her.
hi waan.
1. you make a good point.
2. i posted this specifically hoping that someone would make some such point.
3. i fucking hate that you make this particular good point.
4. well, shit. now i guess i'm going to have to do something about it.
5. yo mama's so ugly she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.
yo momma drives a sky blue suburban.
look, i spent the last 3 years toning myself down and softening edges because I, me, made all sorts of people uncomfortable. And it was one of the big reasons I felt so uncomfortable in that place I met you.
Remember what you told me? Just be yourself. Real friends will ride the rollercoaster of your snark over time, and flip you off when you need it, and you'll learn when to gentle your tone because they're having a sensitive day. Because that's what friends do.
But just splenda-ifering yourself up, well now, that's just gonna make yourself miserable. and yo momma too.
1. Yo mamma's got a glass eye with a fish in it.
2. I hate to break it to you, but you are sweet. This is not to say that you're not edgy and sarcastic and tons of fun, but you're fundamentaly a sweet person all the same, and I don't think the two are in any way mutually exclusive.
3. Look, we all change ourselves in little ways when different people are around and this is not false or manipulative or weak in any way, it's part of being an inherently social animal. It's not a matter of what you do to make yourself different around your friend so much as it's a matter of how the two of you figure out that you fit together. Maybe you'll tone it down naturally just knowing it bothers him. Maybe he'll learn to grow slightly thicker skin around you. Most likely he'll be offended sometimes. Point is, you work it out like you work out the chemistry with anyone and don't sweat the details.
4. Yo mamma be fishing with a hook and reel in the frozen food section.
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