hang in there little tomato
My friend MP is very brave.You could guess that just from the fact that she likes capes, because superheroes like capes, and superheroes are brave. You could guess it from the way she says yes all the time, even when your proposal is maybe not so well thought out. You could guess it because she constantly does things that scare her – teaching and traveling and so on – and she does them until she kicks ass at them so much that they aren’t scary any more.
Most recently you could guess it because she left behind everything familiar, lots of friends and family and a house she practically rebuilt, to try a Grand Adventure. A Grand Adventure of making a life with someone new. Such a thing requires bravery even under the best of circumstances, and this had the additional challenges of timing and geography. But she packed up her thesis and her bike and her very cute dog and she left to give it a one hundred percent type try. There’s not really any other type of try worth giving it, she realized. The Highly Improbable slides right into Impossible if you’re half-assed about it.
So she’s down in California figuring it all out: her space and her job and her network, her new landscape and her new relationship. Putting it all back together after taking it apart, is how she puts it. And it reminds me of a year ago, when I’d just landed in a new place that felt both exactly right and wildly out of control. I think I’m just restless for what’s next, I wrote this week last year. Ask and Ye Shall Receive.
What’s next was a wreck at times, lonely and frustrating and full of bad judgment. Unexpectedly, unnecessarily hard. Portland felt like home before I even got here but I still managed to lose myself once I arrived. The winter was the least I liked myself in a while.
But now I look back, one year out, and think No Shit. If you take everything apart it’s going to make a mess. You’re bound to trip over the pieces. The best you can do is try not to break many, and keep a couple good friends around who look at the disarray and say Damn, that’s one ambitious project. It’s a good thing you’re so handy.
One year out I still have some scratches but fuck if what I was restless for didn’t come raining down upon me. In a week I start a full time job with the City of Portland, which work-wise is what I most hoped to find here. I met new Portland people who do cool Portland things. I’m dating a guy I like quite a lot. I know where to go biking after dark and where to drink mojitos with friends and where to see a movie alone. What’s next has become wonderfully irrelevant.
Making a mess isn’t a problem as long as you remember that messes don’t mean you’ve done something wrong. They’re not a problem unless you look at the clutter and decide to cut your losses, as if it would be easier somewhere else, as if easier was the point. It’s a mess, MP, because that’s one ambitious project you’re working on. I can’t wait to see it when you’re done.
posted by tortaluga @ 1:05 AM
2 Comments:
thank you. that means a lot to me, and everything you say is true. I'm on my way up to portland this weekend for a thesis meeting, will you be there?
Yes, that MP is a fuckin' kick-ass woman. And she will do the most fabulously wonderful things imaginable, because that's just the kind of person she is, and al due to the kind of heart she has. I love her. :)
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