strike that

(all you need is)

I miss being in love.

I don’t miss Being in a Relationship, in and of itself. I mean, I’m not actively avoiding it – but I’m not seeking it out for its own sake. I have a not uncommon Relationship Ambiguity, which is to say that when I’m not in one they seem ideal and when I am in one they don’t. And I’ve been around enough to realize that’s how it is for me, and for lots of people, and that feeling is just backdrop to the stuff of every day. It is a hangup that does no good. So I no longer fiercely crave a relationship when I’m solo, and I no longer gleefully sabotage it once I find one. All in all I’d call this Progress.

But I miss being in love, for its own stupid sake. I miss being driven to utter distraction by the thought of someone, and I miss the way one’s distance from that person bends the whole world. I miss the unlikeliness of so much celebratory proximity. I miss the secrets.

Often I fall in love with people on the street, or in the coffeeshop, for the way they speak to their children or order a drink. Sometimes I fall in love with my friends for their goodness. Recently I fall in love with boys who are in no place to love me at all. I am glad for all these loves. But I am greedy and these are not the loves I’m looking for.

Right Now I would like to be in love with someone who does not find it inconvenient or embarrassing, even though it is sure to be both. This is the Year of Gusto. I would like to be in love with someone who says Irresponsible? Unreasonable? Potentially disastrous but with a small shot at crazy joy? Sign me up. I’ve unpacked my stuff and I’ve secured a few jobs and what I’ve lost is good solid abandon, and I’m hurting for it like heroin, and I feel like I’m the only addict at the party. For two years I’ve been getting a whole lot of we live too far apart and my schedule’s really full and I need to be single for a while and I get it: wrong guy, wrong guy, wrong guy. But seriously? Seriously no one around here thinks I’m cool enough for some Bad Choices? I mean I realize that tomboy sciencegeek smartass isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But also I live in Portland in two thousand seven and it’s not no one’s tea, either.

So come on world. I want the good stuff. The random romances and the hilariously bad dates and the blessedly regular sex have all been much appreciated, but I want the stuff that’s gonna make me cry really hard when I lose it. I want some mutual awe. I want revelry. I want just a few days of that shit where I blurt out at a lunch with coworkers So-and-So likes peas, and there aren’t even peas on my plate, just beans that made me think of peas. Where can I get me some of that?

Happy V Day.

posted by tortaluga @ 5:49 PM