Dear Cafe V Baristas,
I am glad you are down the street from my office. Your coffee is delicious, your foam is creamy, and your pastry case is the best in Portland. Most importantly, you are not a Starbucks. Unlike the Starbucks across the street, the Seattle’s Best next to the Starbucks, and the misleadingly named City Coffee two streets away, you are not even owned by the Starbucks empire. You are the only independent coffeeshop I’ve found within grab-a-coffee walking distance of my office. That said, you manage to ruin the coffee-getting experience for me nearly every time.It starts with how you look at me when I order a twelve ounce drink and hand you my twenty ounce travel cup. I am not, as you seem to suspect, trying to get eight ounces for free. If I were just being cheap about coffee I would go to one of the many places that charge twenty five cents less per drink. Or I would order your eight ounce drink – to get twelve ounces for free. I order a twelve ounce drink when I feel like drinking twelve ounces. I don't carry around a set of nesting travel cups. I carry around one twenty ounce cup. If I order a twelve ounce drink, just put twelve ounces in it. This is the sort of high reasoning for which I pay you twenty five extra cents.
Next. Don’t be so bitchy about what all the pastries are called. You have at least two dozen different kinds of pastries in that case, so if I ask for “the one with pear on top” you don’t really need to scowl at me. It’s not like I asked for a “crescent roll.” I know my napoleon from my éclair, but you carry six different items that might be considered brioche. Not to mention the thing you insist on calling a beignet has very little in common with actual beignets. Rest assured I'm terribly impressed by your mastery of pastry nomenclature but really, that one time when I asked for the “small brioche” and you raised your eyebrows and said, “the mini brioche?” That time I almost slapped you.
Finally, it’s pretty transparent the way you smile and coo thank you right when you’re handing me my change. If you’ve been unpleasant since the moment I walked in, this two-second episode of pseudogeniality isn’t going to inspire me to drop a bill into your jar. I’ve been working hard all morning and this is my ten minute break. I’m not about to tip you well for trying to make me feel small during it. Perhaps this works on insecure people who desperately want to win your approval. But I’ve done your job and I know it only takes a little more effort to make people feel good, especially if you’re not using up all your energy being condescending and fake.
Thanks, that’s all. See you tomorrow.
posted by tortaluga @ 11:58 AM
2 Comments:
You should totally print this out and post it on the message board in the shop and/or hand it to the manager.
Yeah, kinda like the 99 Theses. But just one thesis instead. And instead of a 30 Years' War, you get better service. Huzzah.
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