beat
I went to Chief O’Brien’s place tonight to help him move. We’ve met up a handful of times over the past few months to grab drinks and play darts, and I think we’ve figured out the Just Friends thing just fine. When I got there he was tying his bed onto his truck with the help of his coworker Ross.
At the new apartment we needed to get the mattress and box spring and bed frame up two flights of twisty outdoor stairs, which took some doing. When it came to the frame, O’Brien went off in search of an Allen wrench. Ross and I got to talking. At which point I noticed he was pretty cute.
Huh, I thought. Maybe this is how you find someone to date even when it seems like you don’t know any candidates: one night you’re balancing a box spring in a stiff rainy wind and you look over at the guy guiding it through a too-small doorway and he’s just your type. And then maybe the three of you go to dinner and over steamy bowls of noodles you learn that he lived in Mexico, and likes to cross country ski, and makes maps.
And suddenly the table seemed warm and full of possibility, and I thought, Fuck! I remember this feeling! This is the feeling of being single and meeting someone cool! And it lasted about five minutes.
Around minute six I noticed that Ross kept making fun of the Chief. Like when O’Brien asked if Mexico was all a big desert, Ross basically ridiculed the question. Because, you know – it’s a big country. And later he jeered at O’Brien’s bad grasp of geography, and his mispronunciation of the word Tao. And sometimes in the midst of these You Should Know That moments, Ross looked at me conspiratorially. Like, You knew that, right? And I did. But while I admire worldliness, I admire kindness more.
Right around the time when Ross answered his cell phone at the table, I started thinking about Operaman. Which I guess is gonna happen for a while. Because as much as that relationship didn’t look like I wanted it to look – as much as I never felt sure about his feelings for me, and as much as I never told him with candor my feelings for him – I never wished that Operaman himself was any different than who he is. Because in addition to being smart and funny and adventurous– in addition to having the sort of unknown worlds I’m always attracted to in people – Operaman has a good heart. The kind that struggles and considers and discerns. And there are a lot of people in Portland who look good, and there are a delightful number who talk politics and make music and own tents. But while I love that list, it doesn’t much get off the ground without a good heart. And good hearts are harder to come by than one might hope.
posted by tortaluga @ 10:19 PM
7 Comments:
They might be harder to come by than one would hope, but there better to come by than one could imagine. We are the last of the great explorers in this world, those of us who search for them.
Maybe this Ross was a jerk. But there are lots of Rosses in the world who aren't jerks, who maybe were trying to impress you because he thought you were cute and picked up on the fact that you know how to say "tao" (or at least, let's remember, the right *English* way to say it). And ribbing a friend has different rules than ribbing a stranger - maybe this is Ross and the Chief's way of kidding with each other - no unkindness, just their way of communicating. And it sounds to me like the Chief was in on it - being a good wingman, so to speak. I know I'm missing the big picture: you, quite naturally, miss Operaman, and you miss his good heart in particular. But, to the extent that the posting was practical, give the next Ross more of a chance. If he's really a jerk, you'll figure that out in no time flat. If not, you can joke about how he looked like a jerk the first time you met him.
point taken, anon. and it’s not like ross was some world class jerk, though he was definitely being condescending and not just playful.
what it got me thinking about, though, was how it sometimes appears that there are all these people out there with whom, operationally, you could have a good relationship: people who like the things you like and do things the way you do them. (it particularly feels this way sometimes when the relationship you’re currently in is challenging.)
but whereas you can change what you do with another person and how you do it, you can’t change who that person is. if you don’t respect someone, no amount of other commonalities is going to help - and if you do respect them, the logistics might be worth negotiation.
Nah. Cartographers and the like are largely self-centered weenies.
I don't know many cartographers, so I'll defer to waan on that point. But on the broader point, I agree, Tortaluga: respect is one of those few *necessary* ingredients. But, and this is a big "but" that I'm learning, you can't know whether you respect someone on the first encounter, or even the first week or two. (Unless, of course, they're a world-class uber-cartographer jerk, but that you usually can tell in the first few minutes.) So give those poor Rosses a shot. You're going to miss Operaman no matter what, so don't let those drifting pangs detract from the moment (and guy) at hand.
It is certainly a challenge to recognize the ability within yourself to feel no need to prove your worth. I spent much of my childhood, adolescence and early twenties trying to find enough self-worth to banish (or at least try to) the condescending comments that somehow leaked out of my mouth when I was feeling uneasy, when I needed to demonstrate some sort of worldliness. I still find myself unwilling to listen, wanting to get a word in.
Not one person could convince me of what each individual has to offer. Not one person could have convinced me of my own worth enough to actually respect and try to understand where others were coming from.
I have worked for my entire life towards who I want to be and feel that after many years of struggle I have found enough humility to respect and honor others and their unique set of experiences.
It is up to each individual to discover and realize who they want to be, what they place value on.
There is something to learn from every situation, and condescention is the surest way to close the doors on those possibilities.
So, though Ross may have the good heart deep down, or even not so far down, maybe he hasn't found a way to express it, perhaps he needs a few more years. perhaps he isn't working towards that goal. Only time will tell.
I'm with ephraim on this one, even though I still struggle to present who I am growing to be instead of who I am on a crummy tired day.
Give yourself credit for finding and valuing Operaman's good heart, enough to try a relationship that you knew was going to struggle because of circumstance.
Your instincts are good, your willingness to boldly go so brave, so those moments where you get caught in the rain - recognizing potential - and then as you dry out able to see past the first impression? Keep exploring; the worth of a good heart is invaluable.
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